What's a Queen for?
Proposals from a modestly baffled colonial
One really peculiar thing that immigrants from republican lands need to
adjust to in the UK, is that they actually take this monarch thing
seriously. Not in the sense that people regularly drink toasts to the
Queen, or speculate about fine points of the order of succession, but
that people genuinely think it a reasonable constitution order that the
head of state should be selected on the basis that her father held a
similar position many decades ago, and that her son (and grandson)
should be presumed to take on the job after her demise. Having always
lived in republics (except for a brief stint in the Netherlands) kings
and queens seemed to me figures from fairy tales and history. I knew
that there are people called kings and queens existing in the modern
world, but that always seemed an unreal and somewhat ridiculous anachronism, like the toga party in Animal House,
or hobby jousters. But when the most recent elections descended into
chaos, the experts were clear that it would be the Queen's prerogative
(after consultation with her advisors) to decide which politician
should be "invited" to form a government. Again and again the Prince of
Wales makes scandals by interfering in London city planning, among other functions
of government. They fuss and fume about the prince overstepping his
constitutional bounds, but no one would think of telling the prince to
just go fuck himself, and treat his "black spider letters" with the same consideration they would give to the letters of any citizen -- is he even a citizen?
Which leads to my proposal, which I hope will be taken seriously, given
the extent of the current financial crisis in Britain: A lottery for
the right to be the next monarch. I suspect that very many people would
be willing to stump up a few pounds for a shot, and quite a few might
stump up several millions for a really substantial chance. The winner
of the lottery has exactly the same chance of having the
personal qualities required of the head of state as the monarch
selected by the genetic lottery currently in force. We might have to
eliminate certain requirements of the job, like weekly meetings with
the prime minister, to make it more attractive. They could keep the
post until death, and then it would revert to the state for a future
lottery.
Now, this may seem like a huge constitutional change, but when I read
about the British Constitution, the only argument that ever seems to be
presented for the hereditary principle is that it saves the British the
nuisance of having to vote for their head of state, or of having some
washed up old politician appointed head of state by his old
confederates. I think it should be clear that my scheme also avoids
these problems, as well as complying with all EU directives.
I'm sure the professionals can work out some good advertising slogans
("Paris is worth a mass, but London is worth a pound"; "The new Magna
Carta" -- stamped on a mock-up lottery ticket; "It's never too late to
have a royal birth"?), maybe a jingle or two, and a legal and constitutional framework. We need